Four cards for the year ahead

Let's see if I can't remember how to post on here. I'm being drawn back to my cards and the peace and connection it gives me. Connecting with my cards gives me a few moments to be mindful. Some days it's a quick "I see you" or confirmation and other days it gives me introspection that comes back into my mind over the whole day. 

I tried to jot this down in a journal, but found it lacking without being able to include the cards from the deck. 

I pulled four cards this morning to see what the quarters of the year ahead will bring. I didn't have the luxury of time, but the cards spoke loud and clear. They showed someone supporting my growth at the beginning of this year, then me doing it on my own, the second half of the year is  the "torch" being transferred and me walking down the road with peace and confidence at the end of the year. Pretty straight forward progression! 

I can only hope this foreshadows the few things I want to explore this year. 

I don't often buy myself stuff, but it so happens that with Christmas and my January birthday, I have a few weeks that are guilt free times to spoil myself. If my birthday was in June, then half this would be bought in June. This year I'm investing in things I want to learn; intro online classes for equi-tape, maybe some shadow work, still want to learn to see auras because I think it would be beautiful and my mom treated me to John Edward tickets this year after over 10 years of wanting to go. 

I often hold things I want close to my heart and don't blab to everyone who will listen. Priorities come first, then, wants change and who wants to hear me ramble for 10 years that I want John Edward tickets. I don't often put things like that first. If someone told me the same want for that long I'd get tired of hearing about it and would think it would not end up happening, resulting in an empty want. Empty wants feel greedy or impulsive. Hence, I hold my wants close... 

Today I used my Mona to Lisa deck. I continue to be amazed how clear and full this deck is. I've had this deck for 14 years and it never fails me. 

Stepping ahead

I should really rename this blog to stepping thru life instead of flitting thru life. Steps seem to be the analogy I've been using. Heh, maybe it's a new phase. 

I don't have a huge thoughtful post today but I did want to take a minute to capture what I'm doing to step forward. 

Tomorrow is a short one day retreat to start empowering my authentic self. It should help me take a few steps back into who I really am. The person I've lost sight of. 

After that, I'm going to work on establishing boundaries so I stop stepping aside. 

I feel these two things combined is a great place to start. 

They both came into my life from trusted outside friends and family. I'm talking it as a sign this is where I must start. A path to walk is better than none, one step at a time. 

Stop stepping aside and start stepping up.

Oh, how did this all get to this point? Slowly. Bit by bit. Sideways baby steps. 

When did I feel like I stopped mattering? When did I stop trusting? Why am I so withdrawn? 

I don't feel like other people like my music, I step aside. 

I go to school for photonics. I'm not great at explaining things, I think no one is really interested, so I don't talk about it. I step aside. 

I get talked over and pushed aside. 

I don't like conflict. I step aside.

I work at a company that overhauls military equipment. My job title of tech and supply support is not understood. I step aside. 

I'm an introvert in a world that thinks everyone must be an extrovert to be happy and healthy. I step aside. 

The constant unsolicited parental advice and judgment I receive despite signs my daughter is autistic. I step aside.

The world is mostly neurotypical. I am told my daughter needs to change, not that the world needs to change. I do not step aside but am silent. 

I volunteer locally, unrealistic expectations cannot be met and it's taken personally by others, despite efforts to remain professional. My whole board quits, I step down. I include details in the minutes to pass along to the next board, taking painstaking care to be professional, to include specific details and not be slanderous in any way. I pass off the minutes with insistence on reading the minutes containing information. I step aside, those minutes are not read and understood, yet it's my fault. I don't share my side and I take many steps aside. 

I volunteer again, with a disclaimer of my plans to totally change the way fundraising is done. I followed with email communication of a plan. Those plans are not reviewed, I move forward stating, no objections by a certain date means agreement. I hear no objections. I reformat plans, distribute again, give a few extra days for objections. Still silence. Next board meeting, plans are flatly turned down like it was an insult and totally improper of me to even suggest, plans are added that need to be moved on in a few days time, that I didn't want to pursue. I try one more time to provide my plan in person, I thought it was okay, I thought we could professionally move forward. It's me against them, I step aside, I stop stepping out. 

We start online school for my daughter. It's not a judgement on public school, it just didn't work well for my daughter. It's misunderstood. My daughter is now thriving. How dare I buck the system. I step aside. 

Although online school is working better, there's still bad days. I feel like when I talk about bad days, the response is to move back to public school. This is not my preferred solution. Everyone has bad days. Public school kids have bad days. I don't respond telling others they should move to online. That's ludicrous. I stop sharing and silently move aside.

I enjoyed covid isolation! I was made to step inside and liked it.

I can no longer eat sugar. A tough thing to navigate. I quietly step aside and do my best. 

I don't feel experienced enough to offer a valued opinion. I step aside. 

I stop trusting my intuition, I step aside. 

My daughter cannot handle the shows I enjoy, I step aside. 

I'm tired, it's easier to go along with the flow, I'm easy going, I step aside. 

I numbly play puzzles and scroll feeds online to wait for bedtime. I step aside. 

I stepped aside. I did. No one made me. 

I now preemptively step aside, without needing to. 

Sometimes stepping aside is warranted. But not Every. Single. Time. 

Each time I stepped aside, I didn't respect my own boundaries and I stepped out of who I am. Authentic self lost. Boundaries overstepped. 

It's time to start stepping up. First thing this year is to remind myself who I am and start being my authentic self. Second step is to learn how to set boundaries. 

Oh, I'm sure it'll be awkward. I'm sure people won't be used to me not stepping aside. I'm sure I'll get many things wrong. Some people will like it, some people won't. But as I stop stepping aside, I step into me. 

I'm not waiting anymore.

I've realized, there's no sense waiting around just hoping things will get better. Why won't that work? Well, because if I just wait, how do I know when things actually are better? How do you measure "better" without knowing what "better" really means? There's always new problems and worries to take over when older issues resolve themselves. Life is a spiral of hardships and success. 

We NEED to acknowledge the positive changes and accomplishments instead of being pulled down into the mud. 

Pretty simple now that it popped in my head. I feel silly for not being able to see that.

We need goals to achieve, milestones to celebrate, no matter how small they seem. No matter if anyone else knows or understands. This is for us, not for them. 

It can be as small as building a time to be mindful and thankful each day. It's a good habit anyway and we tend to forget when in the midst of the fog of our minds. 

It can be as big as finally doing something we've always wanted to do but never feel like we have the time and resources to do. 

It can be, finding an outlet that helps you process and progress. (Like a blog 🤪)

One step at a time, one thing to look forward to, one thing to be grateful for, one thing to be proud of, one thing.. just one thing. Baby steps.... 

It's okay

Dear Cheryl, 

I know you know this stuff, it's nothing you haven't tried to pass onto your daughter, but it's words that you are great at saying to others but find it difficult to know in your heart and carry into your own life. 

How many times do you tell Alexiss that people can only control themself? You need not take on the weight of the world. That means not only reactions, looks and words today. That also means the reactions, looks and words of yesterday. Can you tell the difference? You need to realize that those ingrained voices of judgment and harshness were things you could not control, they were external, they were not you. They've become your own inner voice and you think it's from you, but it's not. Don't let it control you. 

That's not to say, everyone else is wrong all the time either. Some of those things could be true. Be kind to yourself, take the external feedback and use it without feeling like shit for days. Use it to make life better, use it to learn, then move on. 

Why is it you expect so much from yourself? You would never treat anyone else the way you treat yourself?

It's okay. 

It's okay to be wrong.

It's okay to need help. 

It's okay to not be perfect. 

It's okay to admit you're at end of your ability.

It's okay to rest.

It's okay to be disappointed.

It's okay to need time.

It's okay to be sad or frustrated.

But you know what? 

It's okay to be right.

It's okay to trust your intuition.

It's okay to disagree.

It's okay to share.

It's okay to be proud.

It's okay to feel smart. 

It's okay to be happy. 

It's okay. 

Love always,

Cheryl

To offend or be offended

After years of not being my authentic self, not wanting conflict, not wanting to offend, it's becoming increasingly difficult on my mental health. This year it's all come to a melting point and I just can't anymore. Why is it I'm willing to let others offend me and just smile and nod instead? I certainly have trust issues that I now need to heal before I totally become a hermit. 

I'm saying this here, because I'm not alone. I'm saying this to acknowledge that I'm awkward in social settings. I'm saying this to hold myself accountable. It means we can move on. 

It doesn't mean we need a big conversation. Baby steps... 

You know, I'm okay with different opinions. Have been for a long time. If you aren't, or find yourself judging others, anger at others, you are not only shutting down their one thought or option, you're shutting down a relationship you could have had, you're shutting down openness to others' unique perspectives. You could be shutting down a whole person. 

Maybe I'm overly sensitive, always have been, that's not going to change. But I do value two way relationships, actual connections, respect and not judging differences. 

Perhaps I got so used to masking, I don't even know who I am anymore. 

I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but I need to get back to being my genuine self or I'm heading for an absolute shut down. 

The only opinions I think are proper to keep to oneself is about someone else's life or path. I don't pretend to know anyone or their mind or feelings as well as my own. I know I have a gazillion more thoughts and feelings than I share, so you probably do too. You are a lifetime of experiences and history that all bring you to today. When asked opinions of what others should do, I typical ask leading questions to make them think and come to their own conclusion. It's too much pressure telling other people what to do, what if I am missing important information, little nuances and factors left out? What if there's one part of their life experience not mentioned? Too much pressure if you ask me. I'll make you think and help you do the work though, then you are assured to get the way that works for you, and if it doesn't work, you can't look back and say I swayed you. 

For starters, tis the season and I keep quiet about not being Christian. This isn't new, it's been about 20 years. I do believe in God, I just don't believe He is our one and only savior. I believe science is not opposite to beliefs, I do not believe other religions are wrong. I think they are the same with different cryptic perspectives. I believe you can be spiritual without being religious. I respect common Christian holidays but give homage to the pagan wheel of seasons. 

Blessing of the Book of Shadows (BOS)

Within this simple book, words and letters I keep
May they hold pure intent full of love and spirit deep
More than simple words be found
Spirit of the Divine, Ancestors and Light abound

Words spoken with heart are powerful indeed
Be true and hold fast to the Rede
Manifest in love and light
May inner light grow and shine a'bright

I call on the elements to transform words into Spirit power
In this right and ready hour

Powers of North, the East below,
Help me to live, to learn, to grow.
Lend your strength and stability,
To practice the Craft and with love be free.

Powers of East, the Wind, the Sky,
Watch over these pages with thine eye.
Your wisdom and knowledge, for these I do ask,
That this book be worthy of the Craft and its task.

Powers of South, Fire, and the Hearth,
Help these Shadows to prove their worth.
Infuse them with all your Healing and Passion,
So only good comes from the Work that is fashioned.

Powers of West, the Water and Sea,
Change and growth are granted by thee.
Bless these pages with all that you know,
That righteous readers may learn and grow.

For free will of all,
And harm of none,
As I have willed it,
It is now done.

So mote it be!

Original plain text by me (Cheryl Ryder)
Italic portions from Blessing of the Book of Shadows by Silver Ravenwolf