Stepping ahead

I should really rename this blog to stepping thru life instead of flitting thru life. Steps seem to be the analogy I've been using. Heh, maybe it's a new phase. 

I don't have a huge thoughtful post today but I did want to take a minute to capture what I'm doing to step forward. 

Tomorrow is a short one day retreat to start empowering my authentic self. It should help me take a few steps back into who I really am. The person I've lost sight of. 

After that, I'm going to work on establishing boundaries so I stop stepping aside. 

I feel these two things combined is a great place to start. 

They both came into my life from trusted outside friends and family. I'm talking it as a sign this is where I must start. A path to walk is better than none, one step at a time. 

Stop stepping aside and start stepping up.

Oh, how did this all get to this point? Slowly. Bit by bit. Sideways baby steps. 

When did I feel like I stopped mattering? When did I stop trusting? Why am I so withdrawn? 

I don't feel like other people like my music, I step aside. 

I go to school for photonics. I'm not great at explaining things, I think no one is really interested, so I don't talk about it. I step aside. 

I get talked over and pushed aside. 

I don't like conflict. I step aside.

I work at a company that overhauls military equipment. My job title of tech and supply support is not understood. I step aside. 

I'm an introvert in a world that thinks everyone must be an extrovert to be happy and healthy. I step aside. 

The constant unsolicited parental advice and judgment I receive despite signs my daughter is autistic. I step aside.

The world is mostly neurotypical. I am told my daughter needs to change, not that the world needs to change. I do not step aside but am silent. 

I volunteer locally, unrealistic expectations cannot be met and it's taken personally by others, despite efforts to remain professional. My whole board quits, I step down. I include details in the minutes to pass along to the next board, taking painstaking care to be professional, to include specific details and not be slanderous in any way. I pass off the minutes with insistence on reading the minutes containing information. I step aside, those minutes are not read and understood, yet it's my fault. I don't share my side and I take many steps aside. 

I volunteer again, with a disclaimer of my plans to totally change the way fundraising is done. I followed with email communication of a plan. Those plans are not reviewed, I move forward stating, no objections by a certain date means agreement. I hear no objections. I reformat plans, distribute again, give a few extra days for objections. Still silence. Next board meeting, plans are flatly turned down like it was an insult and totally improper of me to even suggest, plans are added that need to be moved on in a few days time, that I didn't want to pursue. I try one more time to provide my plan in person, I thought it was okay, I thought we could professionally move forward. It's me against them, I step aside, I stop stepping out. 

We start online school for my daughter. It's not a judgement on public school, it just didn't work well for my daughter. It's misunderstood. My daughter is now thriving. How dare I buck the system. I step aside. 

Although online school is working better, there's still bad days. I feel like when I talk about bad days, the response is to move back to public school. This is not my preferred solution. Everyone has bad days. Public school kids have bad days. I don't respond telling others they should move to online. That's ludicrous. I stop sharing and silently move aside.

I enjoyed covid isolation! I was made to step inside and liked it.

I can no longer eat sugar. A tough thing to navigate. I quietly step aside and do my best. 

I don't feel experienced enough to offer a valued opinion. I step aside. 

I stop trusting my intuition, I step aside. 

My daughter cannot handle the shows I enjoy, I step aside. 

I'm tired, it's easier to go along with the flow, I'm easy going, I step aside. 

I numbly play puzzles and scroll feeds online to wait for bedtime. I step aside. 

I stepped aside. I did. No one made me. 

I now preemptively step aside, without needing to. 

Sometimes stepping aside is warranted. But not Every. Single. Time. 

Each time I stepped aside, I didn't respect my own boundaries and I stepped out of who I am. Authentic self lost. Boundaries overstepped. 

It's time to start stepping up. First thing this year is to remind myself who I am and start being my authentic self. Second step is to learn how to set boundaries. 

Oh, I'm sure it'll be awkward. I'm sure people won't be used to me not stepping aside. I'm sure I'll get many things wrong. Some people will like it, some people won't. But as I stop stepping aside, I step into me. 

I'm not waiting anymore.

I've realized, there's no sense waiting around just hoping things will get better. Why won't that work? Well, because if I just wait, how do I know when things actually are better? How do you measure "better" without knowing what "better" really means? There's always new problems and worries to take over when older issues resolve themselves. Life is a spiral of hardships and success. 

We NEED to acknowledge the positive changes and accomplishments instead of being pulled down into the mud. 

Pretty simple now that it popped in my head. I feel silly for not being able to see that.

We need goals to achieve, milestones to celebrate, no matter how small they seem. No matter if anyone else knows or understands. This is for us, not for them. 

It can be as small as building a time to be mindful and thankful each day. It's a good habit anyway and we tend to forget when in the midst of the fog of our minds. 

It can be as big as finally doing something we've always wanted to do but never feel like we have the time and resources to do. 

It can be, finding an outlet that helps you process and progress. (Like a blog 🤪)

One step at a time, one thing to look forward to, one thing to be grateful for, one thing to be proud of, one thing.. just one thing. Baby steps....